Understanding the Psychological Nature of Bullies and Victims of Bullies

This  post is an excerpt from my book, The Bully and The Booger Baby: A Cautionary Tale. I haveposted an excerpt from a chapter specifically for parents, teachers and other child caregivers. The chapter presents some key research finding on the psychological nature of bullies and victims of bullies. A portion of that chapter is excerpted here:

Research from the American Psychological Association has also determined that poor social problem solving skills are key factors that affect much of the bullying that occurs. Children who don’t have good social problem solving skills face a greater risk for being bullies and victims of bullies. Lack of good social problem solving skills, negative attitudes about school, and lack of self esteem, in both bullies and victims, sometimes stem from conflict and lack of good parenting. This finding, however, should not be construed as an indictment on the parenting skills of all parents whose children may be displaying bullying behavior or who may be victims of bullying. There are far too many variables involved to make such an indictment. A child’s aggressive behavior and a child’s likeliness to be a victim of aggressive behavior may also reflect abuse from another family member or a family friend or acquaintance, and not always the parents.

The research findings would seem to suggest, however, that an effective anti-bullying campaign should be focused on more than punishment alone. It is important to address all risk factors, including school and home environment,  that may lead to bullying and victimization behavior in the first place.

Being armed with the knowledge of the psychological factors that may contribute to bullying and to being victims of bullying may help considerably in solving the bullying dilemma. Such insights to bullying should help shape interventions and improve anti-bullying endeavors.

Recommended Anti Bullying Programs, Workshops, and Presentations

“Bullies to Buddies.” 2013. <http://bullies2buddies.com/>.

“Bullying: The Silent Threat.” Teach Anti Bullying, Inc. 2013. <http://www.teachantibullying.com/>.

 

 

 

 



What to Do if Your Child is a Bully

 

“Your child has been possibility even before receiving it. You may have felt uneasy about the way your child has been interacting with another child.  You know that some teasing is normal for kids, but something about this seems like more than just teasing. The phone rings then suddenly it’s clear that something is going bullying other children.” This is the telephone call that no parent wants to get from school or from another parent. If you, as a parent, have ever received such a call, you may have suspected the on.

 

Whatever raises the red flag, your first response sets the tone for the outcomse to follow. Your reactions can turn such adversity into an extraordinary learning opportunity for your child and all involved. If you don’t have an appropriate first response, the outcome could be disastrous for what is already a volatile situation. There are three things you as the parent of a bully can do to resolve the situation. Manage your reactions. Find out exactly what is going on. Then work with your child and others involved to resolve the situation. The following strategies may help to bring about an effective resolution.

 

·       Manage your reactions to the call. Take a deep breath and try to collect your thoughts and focus on staying calm. Write down what you are hearing so you don’t miss any details or inadvertently edit any of them. The natural first reaction may be fear, shame denial, this can’t be, panic, and defensiveness. Such reactions are understandable. It’s so hard to hear a label like that affixed to your child, and it can make you feel instantly like you’re a bad parent. You may feel shock at that moment of recognition of something you’ve been in denial about or something you’ve been dreading addressing. It’s important to remember that it’s not a label  on your child, but a description of behavior that your child is exhibiting today and is not necessarily who he or she is in entirety or in the future, if you get help. It doesn’t mean that you are irresponsible or that you are a horrible parent. Shut down those negative thought processes.

 

·       Be gracious and thank the person who has contacted you. It’s a good that you are finding out now. Demonstrating to the caller that you understand and are eager to intervene and help change the situation makes a big difference. Reassure the caller that you take this very seriously, and that you will do everything you can to get any bullying or troubling behavior to stop.

 

·       Talk with your child. This is a fact-finding conversation and it’s important that you be calm and non-judgmental in the discussion with him or her. Calmly inform your child of the call regarding the bullying accusation and tell your child that you need to know what happened. Ask your child such questions as: Do you know what they are talking about? What happened? Is any of this true? Allow your child several iterations to tell you. Ask if he remembers any other details. Then read the description of what you’ve been told by the caller that happened and ask your child to write down, in as much detail as he can remember,  his version of the event. Tell him that you need to know everything he remembers about what was done and said. Calmly inform your child that you realize that he may also have new information to add. This will allow your child to test the waters and see how you are going to respond. If your child sees that you remain calm and approachable, his fear may diminish and you may hear a lot more of the facts and details. Make it safe for him to continue to tell you more as he feels more trusting that you are able to hear what he did. Reassure your child that, whatever happened, you are going to help him get through this.

 

·       Be the adult. If your child can only tell you what the other child did, reassure him that you want to hear that, but first you want to hear what he did. It’s important to help him reflect on his own behavior. Try to assess if your child can empathize with the other child’s experience. Ask him such questions as: Can you help me see why the other child sees it his way? How would you feel if he did that to you? As a parent, you must attempt  to understand what led up to this bullying behavior.  Is there underlying insecurity, anger, or previous teasing? Is something going on at home? Look for any underlying issues that could motivate such reactivity or unease. Look for any group dynamics underlying the behavior.

 

·       Teach your child responsibility. Your child may have a different version of events. Regardless, your job is to help your child recognize and identify exactly what he did and be accountable and responsive in apologizing, and then finding strategies for moving forward. Even if your child is positive the other child started it, he is nonetheless responsible for giving you a full accounting of what happened and for assuming ownership of his or her contribution. Let your child know the seriousness of the situation and that you are going to help make sure it doesn’t continue. Help your child make amends. This is sometimes best accomplished with the school counselor present. Then develop a contract about your behavioral expectations going forward. Both parties need to feel safe and supported.

 

·       Give your child appropriate social-emotional tools. Teach him more positive and acceptable ways to react and to deal with conflict and tension. Concentrate on strengthening his social-emotional skills. Calmly make it clear to him that violence and aggression, physical or verbal, is not an appropriate or effective coping tool. Teach your child more appropriate social ways to deal with conflict  to avoid escalating drama, such as walking away or telling a teacher. Teach him face-saving ways to fend off provocation if he is indeed being provoked himself.  Model and encourage kindness and appropriate conflict resolution. Learn about your child’s social life at school and any class or group dynamic.  Find appropriate alternative activities and friends to solidify social connections. Encourage and model good behavior and the use of kind or neutral words with family and others.

 

·       Get help. Take the situation seriously and avoid the tendency to minimize it by excusing it as just a one-time occurrence. It won’t go away if left unchecked. If the situation is not immediately addressed, it can continue to hurt your child’s social and academic life. Maintain a positive attitude that the behavior can be stopped. Find out if there is a school policy on bullying and support it. It may also be helpful to get a comprehensive neuropsychological evaluation of your child to determine if there are underlying, unknown issues, such as anxiety, depression, inability to read social cues, or impulsivity. Such an evaluation can help you better understand how your child thinks, feels, and reacts. Armed with such knowledge, you will be better able to determine what kind of help he needs going forward.

 

·       Support growth, change, and optimism. Instill in your child the notion that life is full of opportunities for growth and to reinvent himself, if need be. The message should be that, in order to grow emotionally and socially, he must be willing to do the hard work and take ownership of his mistakes and of understanding the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that contributed to them. He must understand that the most important thing, at home and in school, is to be honest, appropriately responsive, and accountable.

 

 

Picture credit: Gabriella Fabbri

 

 

 

 

Coping with a Bully

 

 

Bullying is a serious problem among American youth. Bullying statistics document a problem that must be effectively addressed by our schools. There's hope.

School systems, including principals, teachers, parents and students, must recognize bullying for the serious problem that it is. Any child targeted by a bully undoubtedly feels fear, completely alone, helpless, and maybe even embarrassed. Feeling fearful of such aggression is natural. Being the victim of a bully is nothing to feel shame about, however. Shame belongs on the bully, not on the victim. Targets of bullies should know they’re not alone.

Characteristics of Bullies

As Ralph Waldo Emerson, American essayist, philosopher and poet, said, “When a resolute young fellow steps up to the great bully, the world, and takes him boldly by the beard, he is often surprised to find it comes off in his hand, and that it was only tied on to scare away the timid adventurers.” It's true that some bullies make a show of false bravado. They tease and harass, but some bullies are all bark and no bite, as the old saying goes. If you were to “pull off their beard” and call their bluff, you may discover beneath a real cream puff. Most bullies, however, have some kind of advantage, size, strength or power over their victims. Most mean to inflict verbal, emotional or physical harm on their targets. It is this type of bullying that is a threatening and ever-increasing problem for children and teenagers. Such bullying can take the form of direct attacks, such as hitting, taunting, name-calling, malicious sexual remarks, and stealing or damaging belongings. It can also take the form of more subtle attacks, such as spreading rumors or enlisting cohorts to reject and exclude the victim. How can victims deal with this deliberately aggressive and potentially harmful bully?

Ways to Stop a Bully

·       Ignoring the bully and simply walking away from his harassment may work with some bullies.

·       Another simple strategy would to tell the bully as firmly as possible to stop. Many bullies stop bullying within 10 seconds when someone tells the bully to stop.

·        Using humor might get the bully to stop as well. The victim making a joke or laughing at himself can be an effective defense. Bullies often give up when they don't get the expected response from their intended victim.

·       Victims of bullies should always stick with a friend at recess, lunch, in the hallways, on the bus or walking home. The risk of being targeted is much greater if the victim is alone.

·       Targets of bullies should make friends and socialize with those friends outside of school so that they can maintain a strong social support system.

In addition to these suggested strategies, children are encouraged to involve parents and the school to take active measures to monitor against bullying and stop bullying behavior.

Getting  Help When Dealing With a Bully

 
Bullying victims should talk to parents or another trusted adult, such as a teacher, counselor, or principal. Telling an adult about bullying doesn’t constitute tattling and, contrary to popular victim belief, informing an adult doesn’t make the situation worse. Victims shouldn't be ashamed of being unable to handle the bully alone. Trusted adults can help develop a plan to end the bullying and provide much needed support.

Victims shouldn't retaliate against a bully or let him see how upsetting the harassment is. When a bully suspects he’s made his target afraid or upset, he’s likely to torment even more. Victims should remain calm and respond firmly or say nothing at all. Then, as suggested before, walk away, if possible.

The strategies suggested by the National Youth Violence Resource Center and the experts from Education.com, if practiced consistently, should help stop bullying and victim fear.


Picture credit: Shaun Crum, illustrator for The Bully and the Booger Baby: A Cautionary Tale





Small Acts of Kindness: Counteracting Bullying

 

 

Though the holidays seem to be the season in which kindness abounds, kindness should be a part of the very nature of our everyday lives. Before retiring from teaching, one of the projects that I assigned my students each year was my Random Acts of Kindness lesson plan. I required the students, for a period of two weeks, to practice at least 6 random acts of kindness. Three of those acts were to be acts of kindness demonstrated to a stranger (with all precautions for safety and parental guidance being taken into consideration).  I also asked the students to introduce an element of “paying it forward” in hopes that the recipient of their act of kindness would respond by doing an act of kindness for someone else. At the end of the two- week project, the students were to report to the class what their acts of kindness were and what, if anything, the responses were.

Of course some students took it more seriously than others, and the project was a success with them. With others, I decided, it was going to be a work in progress. I persisted in doing the project each year, though, as I saw it as a way of helping children to look outside of themselves and their own little worlds to see that kindness and compassion should always be an important priority. I wanted them to realize that even one little kindness can make a difference in someone’s day and, yes, possibly even in their lives.

In learning of a new study about small acts of kindness, I feel that my student project over the years may not have been an exercise in futility. New research conducted jointly by the University of B. C. and the University of California found that children who perform  small acts of kindness tend to bolster their own sense of happiness and well being. The researchers also surmised that such acts of kindness may even help to counteract bullying behavior.

Approximately 400 Vancouver elementary schoolchildren were asked to report on their happiness after four weeks of participating in one of two scenarios. One group of the nine to 11-year-olds were asked by their teachers to perform acts of kindness, such as sharing their lunch or giving their mom a hug if she appeared stressed. The second group was asked to keep track of pleasant places they visited, such as a playground or their grandparents’ house. While both groups reported a boost in happiness, the children who were kind said they wanted to work with a higher number of classmates on school activities.

The study found that being kind had some real benefits to the happiness of the students. It also had some real benefits to the school community and community at large. Professor Kimberly Schonert-Reichl stated that those findings mean it’s likely teachers can create a sense of connectedness in the classroom simply by asking students to think about how they can act kindly to others and that may help reduce bullying behavior.

 The take-away from this is that parents and teachers can help foster the personal happiness of children, as well as make a positive impact on dealing with the bullying problem in schools by stressing to their children and students the importance of demonstrating kindness and compassion to others, and that can, in turn, help to reduce bullying behavior.

Picture credit: Julie Ellitot-Abshire





Suicide from Bullying: Should the Bullies Be Held Legally Accountable?

            Tragically, in September, a 12 year-old girl jumped to her death from a tower after being a victim of prolonged bullying and cyberbullying. Like many children who commit suicide when the bullying becomes overwhelming, Rebecca Sedwick apparently decided that taking her own life was the only solution.  Statistics show that victims of bullying are up to nine times more likely to consider suicide as a solution. Not only does bullying need to be addressed and dealt with in schools, but also by parents. No child should ever have to resort to such desperate measures as taking his or her own life. Is holding the bullies accountable and legally liable for the suicide of someone who was a victim of their tormenting the answer? This solution is controversial, but some believe it may be necessary in order to better address the bullying pandemic and possibly save lives.  

Two girls were arrested by the Polk County Florida sheriff and charged with felony aggravated stalking in Rebecca's death. The sheriff has also stated that he believes that the parents of the two tormenters should also be held accountable on a charge of contributing to the delinquency of a minor. He also believes the administration of the school also should be held accountable for failing to properly address the victimization of Rebecca. The Polk County sheriff made the arrests because, post the suicide, the bullies seemed to show no remorse. He said that the older suspect was gloating on Facebook, after the suicide, about bullying Rebecca. He believes the arrests have the potential of sending a much needed message to children and teens who bully and torment others in schools, the community, and on the Internet.

The alleged bullying of Rebecca started in December 2012 when she and the two suspects were students at Crystal Lake Middle School. According to a statement from the Polk County Sheriff's Office, Rebecca was bullied online for 10 months and had been physically attacked five times before that. 

The two teen bullies allegedly sent Rebecca menacing messages on Facebook calling her ugly, telling her to "drink bleach and die," and encouraging her to kill herself, according to police reports.  The 14-year-old suspect also allegedly bullied anyone who was friends with Rebecca, according to police, and even encouraged the 12-year-old suspect, who had been Rebecca's friend, to turn on her, as well. 

Clearly, with bullying being an increasing trend and with the statistics showing that bullying has the potential to cause victims to take their own lives, the dilemma needs to be better addressed. Hopefully, the recent arrests of Rebecca’s bullies will send a message to other bullies that such tormenting will not be tolerated. Maybe legal accountability for a bullycide, the suicide committed as a result of being bullied, is an additional answer to such a travesty. What do you think? I would love to read your opinions and comments to this blog post.

Picture credit: sanja gjenero

Bullying: Every Child and Parent’s Nightmare

Reports of children being bullied by classmates, peers and others to the point where such children may be considering suicide is a nightmare scenario and should certainly give all parents pause and concern. This is just one reason, among many, that the bullying problem needs to be addressed.

In today’s society, bullies may come in all shapes and sizes and some remain invisible, cloaked behind a computer screen. Cyber bullying has become commonplace in the age of social media. Demeaning and hurtful messages and gossip are often sent via text messages or posted on Facebook or other social media pages. In addition, bullying seems to be a silent epidemic. Targets of bullying are often afraid to talk about it or tell anyone who could help for fear of exacerbating the bullying. Not enough children stand up for those being bullied because they fear becoming a target themselves.

Children know bullying when they experience it or witness it. Parents and teachers, however, don’t always have a clear picture of just what bullying looks like. In order to intervene, parents and schools need to have a clear definition of the kinds of behaviors that constitute bullying.

The U.S. Department of Education's definition of bullying is clearly stated below:

•Bullying is deliberate. The bully wants to hurt someone. Bullying is usually repeated, with the bully targeting the same victim again and again. The bully takes advantage of an imbalance of power by picking victims he or she believes are vulnerable.

•Bullying can occur through physical, verbal or relational means where bullies try to destroy their victim's relationships through vicious rumors and social exclusion.

•Bullying often occurs in groups and teachers, parents and peers of students being bullied should be encouraged to expose such behavior.

•Students should learn to be assertive and "stand up to bullying" without resorting to violence.

There are times when punishment has to be handed out, but parents, teachers, principals, and counselors should also try to get to the core of why a child is bullying. Efforts should be made, not only to protect the victim, but also to help rehabilitate as well as punish the bully, as the case might require.

Picture credit: sanja gjenero

Bullying: How Does a Parent Know When to Intervene?

 

 

 

            The beginning of a new school year presents to children many exciting possibilities, social interaction with old friends, the potential to make new friends, and many fun and inspiring learning opportunities. The beginning of a new school year, however, provides opportunities for bullies to make life difficult and miserable for kids, as well. What should parents do if they have determined that their children are being harassed or bullied at school? How can parents know when to step in to stop the bullying?

            Dr. Meghan Salyers, assistant professor at the University of North Dakota’s College of Education and Human Development, suggests that parents and children should embark upon a new school year with a positive attitude and expect the best from children, teachers, and the administration. However, she recommends that they plan ahead to prepare for the worst, and to do so, if possible, without their children knowing it. They should think ahead and make an action plan for what they would do if their children should become targets of bullies. Here are some strategies parents can consider for their action plan:

·       Parents first should check with the school to determine what their bullying policy is. They should also determine that, if bullying occurs in the school, what is the typical kind of bullying that takes place.

 

·       Parents must recognize that they can’t prevent all bullying that may happen at the school and, therefore, should choose their battles wisely.

·       Parents who think their children might be targeted by bullies should talk to their children about what could happen. They then should discuss with their children some ways to handle the harassment or bullying. My anti-bullying book, The Bully and the Booger Baby: A Cautionary Tale, though it is a fictional story about bullying, it also offers researched strategies to help children deal with bullies if they are targeted.

·       The first instance of bullying, unless it’s violent, parents might want just to let it go.

·       If the bullying persists and if parents have assessed that the harassment is something that their children cannot handle alone, then it’s time to step in to help. Parents should provide their children with both physical and emotional strategies to handle the problem. They should brainstorm with their children about some statements that children can say to their bullies to stave off a potentially threatening situation. My book The Bully and the Booger Baby: A Cautionary Tale, provides child readers of the book with some very effective things that they can say to their bullies that may make them back off and leave them alone.

·       Parents, if at all possible, should not be tattletales. This could possibly be a negative threat to their children’s social acceptance in school. However, if the empowerment strategies with which parents have armed their children for protection from bullies don’t work, then parents should find out where the bullying is occurring. Then they should talk first to the teacher and the guidance counselor. Parents might want to encourage the guidance counselor to work with the teacher to help address the problem. The final step in the hierarchy would be informing the principal, if necessary. Never talk to the teacher, counselor, or the principal about the problem in front of any other children though. That is imperative as this, too, could threaten their children’s social acceptance and worsen the problem.

·       Finally, parents should stay informed about if and how the problem is being addressed. Parents should keep open lines of communication with their children. Encourage them to talk about how their day went without appearing to be giving them the third degree.

Parents needing strategies with which to empower their children in the event of potential bullying can purchase The Bully and The Booger Baby: A Cautionary Tale, in both paperback and eBook formats through Amazon and Barnes &Noble.

Image credit: PhotoBucket.com